Most incumbent martinets (whoops, I meant world leaders) probably Facetime each other on a regular basis. I can imagine them scanning the morning papers over their cornflakes, watching television just to catch a glimpse of Stephen Colbert berating a frazzled rival, posting a selfie with two Black bodyguards on Instagram, and Tweeting the bejesus out of each other. I even get the sense some of them might watch repeats of Mork and Mindy in their pajamas.
They are only human after all and soon, quite possibly very soon politics being what it is, they will leave office and have nothing left - other than recalling a few embarrassing gaffes, reliving a few trivial triumphs that happened to occur on their watch, or making a small fortune from repeating the same sad story ad infinitum on the world speaking circuit. Nothing would feel as exciting ever again. What a bummer!
Imagine then a situation where, starting tomorrow morning, they begin to awaken to their worst possible nightmare: the increasing probability they will need to deal with not just one but a series of existential crises – a perfect storm of emergencies rapidly converging on human civilization. Each one a threat to their complacent routines. Each one a challenge to their ego, credibility and status.
Suppose these world martinets (sorry, I've done it again) begin to appreciate that the sheer scale and impact of these disasters could be more terrifying than anything they ever saw in Mork and Mindy? And suppose that though there is clearly an urgent need for decisive action, there are no real plans in place to deal with looming catastrophes. None at all. What might they think and do?
Let’s be sensible and calm about this, they might reasonably muse. The kids have gone back to school and sit for exams next week. Most retail stores are open, trying to catch up with trade by seducing us to open our wallets and buy their latest goods, even if we do not actually need them. Cities are buzzing again, with the overcrowded energy of millions of ordinary people going about their daily chores, except those in lockdown, The nightly news on television is full of trite tittle tattle and inconsequential trivia we have come to expect from the stables of wealthy media barons. Bank bosses still take us for a ride, making obscene profits but hoping that we won’t notice. Meanwhile our fascination has turned once again to new gadgets from Apple and Samsung.
So let’s try standing in the shoes of our self-effacing martinets public figures as they discuss the matter within the confines of their court. They could be openly anxious. Or not. More likely they are persuaded that most so-called warnings of impending doom are not as serious as the more despondent of us predict. I can imagine their internal dialogue going something like this…
What crisis? Will it damage my reputation? Issues like poverty, peak oil, and pandemics were proclaimed crises over 25 years ago (or more) and we are still here aren’t we? I just need to practice my smile. There hasn’t been too much damage done that I can see. My most trusted advisers in the business world assure me there is nothing to be concerned about. There is still plenty of oil and coal left to burn. All the disquiet is coming from a few left-wing intellectuals who love stirring the pot. Naturally scientists can’t be trusted. That bunch are always finding new theories so they can apply for more grants. All things considered the best policy is not to rock the boat. There is no need for any precipitous action if my colleagues are unconcerned. Besides there aren’t many votes in climate change or water shortages. But I must look as though I am doing something...
Okay, okay. That is quite enough of such barefaced cognitive constipation. Put your own shoes back on quickly before you, too, become befuddled by the evolving farce.
Seriously though. What can be causing such collective narcissism – other than a highly toxic virus that infects the neural functioning of those continually in the public gaze? Could a surfeit of sport, minor scandals, and celebrity gossip be distracting them? The latest deep fake turned animated gif possibly? Perhaps too many voice coaches, party apparatchiks, speech writers, personal photographers and political strategists have baffled them sufficiently to have lulled them into a false sense of self-admiration?
Or perhaps the reason they pay such scant attention to public sentiment, and to the overwhelmingly pessimistic scientific evidence as our most life-critical systems grind to a halt, is simply because they are out of their depth and only watch the news in one of Rupert Murdoch's echo chambers. Perhaps complexity is simply beyond their comprehension and, in the final wash-up, have not the faintest idea what they can do - even if they did understand what was going on?
They must surely have noticed that some things are fraying at the edges. After all to recognize the early signs of decay and to do something about it is why we pay them. Or possibly they do not even realize that. So what is the plan? To do nothing might be deemed impotent, or worse. It is not an option. I am scratching my head. No wonder some call it the age of stupid.
I will offer you with great humility my own theory based upon what I would do if I was inept, utterly out of my depth, and had only my vested interests, deep pockets, huge ego, and a handful of cunning minions to support me. Oh, and assuming I only watch the news on one of Rupert Murdoch's channels... Here is what I would do.
Create distractions. Not just one. Lots of them. Waves of distractions. Just like in that movie Wag the Dog. Actually they might not have seen that movie. It was billed as a comedy - but you would need at least half a functioning brain to grasp what was going on. Other than Robin Williams' spontaneous antics, there were very few distractions of the kind I am suggesting in Mork and Mindy.
George W. Bush was the master of distraction. Of course he had very fine coaches in his father, his close friends the bin Ladens’. Oh, and Benjamin Netanyahu. Bibby always was a dab hand at 'slight of mouth'. But no one could match George Dubya at the peak of his powers. He was also a maestro of standup comedy and deceit. Not even Tony Blair or Bill Clinton at their most cringingly popular could keep up with Dubya - although Blair did try very hard bless him.
And I bet Donald, the genius of rhetoric, has not given up. He still has a few tricks up his sleeve - even without Twitter and Facebook to help him. He could go down as the most effective distractor in US history. Indeed he will need to if he is to gain sufficient backing to become the Republican nominee for the 2024 Presidential race. Even now I suspect he has asked Jared Kushner to work with the Kremlin's crack hackers to find a way of making Nancy Pelosi disappear while blaming Kamala Harris.
A distraction of that nature would have to be far more carefully contemplated than any off-the-cuff Mexican wall stunt of course. Nancy Pelosi has still got her terrier teeth into him for inciting white supremacists to storm the Capitol, though I can see Vladimir the Great leaping to his defense by helping to forge an official story that sounds as bland as cold war biscuits. He could also enlist the help of his buddy Rudy Guiliani to pore over a few episodes of Mork and Mindy to find a string of useful one-liners of course.
Enough with nostalgia already! Back to the matter in hand. There is a vital decision to consider. Having given the green light to waves of distractions, what theme could we possibly use to create the most commotion, so as to deflect attention away from what others might incorrectly regard as my deficiencies as a martinet - great leader - like my buddy Vlad. (What is wrong with this word processor!)
Among many possibilities I should probably opt for an approach capable of instilling the most fear and panic worldwide. I should take a leaf out of Kim Jong-un's playbook in that regard. One must be bold in circumstances where one’s leadership skills are in doubt. Timidity is for the weak. So here's an idea. A small war in the Middle East would keep the arms dealers off my back. But I hear you. It's not very imaginative.
Perhaps another pandemic would be best. After all, Bill Gates has already gone public warning that we need to be better prepared for the next one. We could get someone to drop the gain-of-function research into China, just like Peter Daszak from Ecohealth Alliance did last time. On the other hand a new pandemic following so closely on the Covid paranoia might not be such a good idea. Perhaps a war would be best after all.
Hey Siri, remind me to have a chat to Xi Jinping about Taiwan tomorrow. I owe him a favour. If he doesn't know who I am just tell him 'I am the man'.
But if it's war that I need, then I am faced with a real dilemma. It doesn't really sit that well with me for one major reason. While war has always been vital to gain power and control over the affairs of citizens, the public has a tendency to oppose armed hostility. I don't want a skirmish on my doorstep when I'm about to start a war somewhere else. What to do? I know. I'll create an enemy so terrifying that governments will be lining up behind us. With a little luck I might even be able to persuade them that this is a cultural war to be fought over decades. Awesome!
I will need to find some money from somewhere. That shouldn't be too tricky if we can wind back some welfare programs. Check. The war will need help in the form of covert ops spinning a web of half-truths and propaganda. That one is easy. We can use either the CIA or Mossad. Check. We will need someone to sell it as a threat to our freedom. Hey Siri is that arsehole Steve Bannon still around? No problems. Check. We must also make sure that wherever we locate the war it is in a part of the world that cannot strike back. Or at least that any such strike would be seen as a reason to pour even more fuel on the fire. Oh, oh. I know. That probably rules out Taiwan. The last thing I need is to annoy China. Check. That will probably do.
The final step will be to choose a location for the war and an easily-remembered name that has some appeal for the press. They enjoy a good headline. Operation Lightning Strike has a nice ring to it. But that label is too close to one the US is using and its not good to be too repetitive. It might give the game away. I will think of something. Or I could ask Oprah. She has a knack of coming up with unforgettable phrases!
I am pleased. I think my strategy is too good to fail. It’s based on sound military theory as well as an innate human caginess where others are concerned. It has the potency to sway public opinion in my favour and to support any decision I care to make about the need for immediate action. It also provides a compelling pretext for other martinets (damn this computer) leaders - colleagues and friends who share my dilemma you understand - to cooperate in joint interventions around the world.
The industrial military complex will smile on me and my cabinet. And by manufacturing a domestic threat of this nature, pilfering a few more civil rights from an unsuspecting general public will not be noticed. If it is we will just label those citizens unpatriotic. Come to think of it increasing community surveillance should be a breeze. Voila. That is a full house! I am already confident of yet another term in office.
Hey do you boys in the military want to see some action? Have you ever been to Taiwan? Iraq? What do you mean, you don’t want to go back there? Am I not a great leader? (applause)……
NON-SINCERE APOLOGIES
With nostalgic apologies to George Bush Snr, George W. Bush, Dick Chaney, Barack Obama, the CIA, Mossad, the Bin Laden family, Benjamin Netanyahu, Donald Trump and Stephen Bannon. Gentlemen - gosh you are indeed all men - I hope this short homily has given you a giggle. I bow to your superior knowledge in recognizing the threats facing us all, as well as your purity of intentions in protecting the innocent people of our world. I urge your acolytes and paid courtiers, wherever they are, to keep up the good work. You might destroy our civilization but your distinctive panache and prowess as the least among us, morally and intellectually, will be remembered to the very end.